Willow says...

"Last night I had a dream that a big big giant came in through my window! And the ant BIT ME ON THE LEG, but it was a friendly ant. I wasn't scared."


Also, if you ask her how she feels about me driving (I'm finally learning) she'll tell you that she feels very scared.... although, I think that has more to do with me screaming at M to shut-up-stop-talking-YOU- WILL-MAKE-ME-CRASH-ARRRAGH-of-course-I'm-going-to-move-well-left-when-a-truck-comes-through-I'M-DOING-THE-SPEED-LIMIT-IT'S-ONLY-60-AROUND-HERE-it's-easier-to-go-around-corners-fast-shutupshutshutupshutup.

But honestly. Driving lessons are going well. I've been driving on less busy main roads and around the suburbs. I still refuse to consider driving over the busy bridge nearish my house that involves two sharp bends, but whatever. Progress.

an ode to M.

This is us.Willow free for the first time this year. Also, I suck at selfies.

I've never really written about M because his story isn't really mine to tell. I mean sure, I've mentioned him loads, because he lives with Willow and myself and he has a massive role in our lives, but I've never gone into detail, or skimmed over stuff, for all sorts of reasons. But a couple of things have come together, and I've decided to write a post starring M.

The main thing is, is that everyone who meets him likes him. But especially single mothers/ members of blended families, they really marvel at how awesome he is. and it's true. and I really don't publicly sing his praises. (that sounds dodgy, but stick with me on this.) I mean, the guy has to make a LOT of sacrifices, and for what? And you can say what you like about love being more important than money, but you have to admit, money is nice to have. Especially when the other option is a three year old who wees on your bed, then puts a pillow over it to hide it.
But seriously. If we weren't here, or even, if Willow wasn't here- he could have saved up a house deposit. He could travel so much easier, and more frequently.... but he doesn't complain. He just accepts that Willow and I are part of his life, and we cost money. Like taxes or something.

Because we're recognized as being in partnership and because of M's income, we don't get much money from the government. (I'm not complaining. Just stating. We are very lucky that we can afford to live off one wage.) We're only eligible for a bit of family tax benefit and child care rebate, plus the child support that we get. M pays for everything- well, 98% or so- out of his pocket- feeding, clothing, rent, uni text books for me, treats for Willow, dinners out- everything. We don't live lavishly, but that crap adds up... like when Willow got down here, he had to buy her several long sleeved shirts and all her winter clothes. $5 here, $20 here- M probably spent $150- $200 on seasonal stuff for Willow. (Flannelette pjs, swimmers, warm shoes, warm pants, long sleeved shirts, jackets etc. Remember, we moved here from Darwin... so she had none of this stuff.) Sometimes he has to miss out on what he wants because of unavoidable Willow-or-Christine related expenses. Like my text books for uni. ($200-$300 a semester.) (Also: he's never pressured me to get a job while studying, even though he got a pay cut of $100 a week this month. He does tell me to hurry up and graduate, but that's different.)

He also chooses to not go out much. Like.... maybe one every three months he'll go out for a night with friends. Maybe once a month he'll go out for a day without me. But the rest of the time, he chooses to stay home, with us. Even though "home with us" means he can't watch tv after dinner, until Willow goes to bed, or he can't play GTA while Willow is awake, which means he gets maybe two hours of free time to watch or play what he wants on tv. The rest of the time- he gives to us.


We were lucky enough to be invited to a wedding recently, and I think it's a perfect example of M- he went 33 hours without sleeping, and didn't complain. Because we had to pick up Willow the next morning from a friend's house, he couldn't drink at his mate's wedding- and again, he didn't complain. He could of. Willow is not his biological child, and because of her, it really inconvenienced his plans. He could have just left us at home. But he didn't... The next day we went to the war memorial and he patiently took her around and explained everything to her... he does this a lot. He makes the effort to show her stuff, to teach her stuff, to expand her world. In the mornings, when he comes home from a 12 hour night shift + 2 hours driving time, he doesn't complain about getting her breakfast and milk, or dropping her at childcare... heck, this guy lets me sleep in all the time. He's magnificent.

You can't even tell he's seriously sleep deprived at all. 

I don't know how to wrap up a post like this. Except, I think this is our "happily ever after" that they don't go into detail with in fairy tales. The domestic bliss. The boring bits that are so good and so joyous. The friendship and partnership and comradeship. 

Good/ Bad/ Ugly.

Good.

•  Don't judge me, but I jumped on the "Dr Bronner's 18 in 1 soap" hippy eco car. And, mmm, no wonder why people like it. A little goes a VERY long way. I have it diluted 50/50 with water and it lasts for several months. It also does a good job of cleaning our clothes. It's $20 for a L, and fair trade and not full of chemicals and... I'm in love.
• One assignment down, one more to go! Then exams, and weekly course work.... but other than that, I have one month of uni left and I'm so relieved. THE END IS IN SIGHT, YO.

Bad.

• House rule: Willow has to pick up all her toys before sunset. SO MUCH CONFLICT AND DRAMA AND SCREAMING. I might revise this rule to having two tidy ups a day, one before lunch and one before sunset. 
• I'm a rabid lion mother. Whenever someone makes my daughter upset, I want to scratch their face off. But
• There is a house across the road and three houses down. While sitting inside my house I can hear the small children thuderdering up and down those floorboards. My knees hurt just listening to it.

Ugly.

• You know what? There's nothing ugly in our lives right now.
• Oh wait. Slugs. Effing slugs. URGH. Willow actually loves finding them and hunting them and squishing them. I just hate everything about them and their habit of eating my plants.

on Australia, part one of I don't even know how many posts I'll write about this.

I was looking at a fabric- this one, if you really wanted to know- and thinking how lovely it would be for a baby. How it was sweet, and as they got older, you could teach them their animals… but hang on.

Who decided that Africa was the go to continent for animals? Why is it easy to surround my daughter with animals from that hot subcontinent, and not a whole lot from THIS hot subcontinent?

Granted, Africa has elephants and we don’t, and elephants are kinda awesome. And they have zebras, which are super stylish. 

But we have rainbow lorikeets and the magnificent rosellas, and koalas which are slightly more cuddly then lions. We have crocodiles, and magpies with their stylish black and white pattern, and we have super cute possums like the ringtail and sugar gliders. We have kangaroos and wallabies, and strange animals like the platypus.

We have the laughing kookaburra, and pink galahs- and fyi zebra, pink and grey is sooo much more original and classic then black and white…

... We have the cassowary, which is an excellent role model for children as they’re feminists. Or just aggressive. But unlike the majority of Disney Princesses, female cassowaries get to do the chasing and have several boyfriends. Ditto for seahorses. Heck, we have the Great Barrier Reef, which is a playground for inspiration.

Hedgehogs are BFFs with anything fairy and woodland, but you know what? We have an echidna, which is basically the same animal, PLUS we have the delicate wrens, including the vivid blue wren.

We have the striking lyre bird, and the amazing birds of paradise… well ok, Papua New Guinea has most of them, but close enough. We have the colourful and social budgies and Gouldian finches. So, suck it, African parrots.

I don’t honestly know what to say about the emu, except their feathers looks very dashing on M’s old army hat, and their young are very cute. We have turtles and dolphins and sharks, and jelly fish which make a cute motif, and all sorts of lovely marine life, even  if most of it is toxic and the water gives me the heebie jeebies.

We have spoonbills, which have always been my favourite bird, PLUS THEY ARE HILARIOUS. Wombats which at the pinch could be “cuddly.”

And yet, it's Africa that we turn to for our animals. What gives, people?

the flying dress

It's not obvious what Willow is doing in this photo, but she's running up and down. She believes her superhero dress enables her to fly. The other day I took her dress off to give her a shower and she wailed "I don't want to take off my dress! I haven't had a chance to fly in it yet!"

Spotted at DFO Sydney: Superhero converse. There's a pink version online.

Spotted at Target, in the boys section: a spiderman jacket that caught Willow's eye.

Not pictured: Willow's habit of randomly running around the house, fighting monsters, while scowling so fiercely.

It's such a shame that 98% of superhero stuff is aimed at boys. It's like they're saying it's abnormal for a girl to aspire to be heroic, to want to be strong and brave, run about and to slay monsters.

a brief ride.

Willow and I, riding the bike down to the post office to post a parcel. (That's the big white thing at the bottom of the shot, and that's why this is so... bumpy. Riding bike one handed + heavy parcel on the front= uh oh.) (Who wants to get me a fancy pants camera for Christmas?)

Willow's a little powerhouse on her bicycle, and a little speed demon. She loves races (unless you are on a bike too. She hates loosing.) Her bicycle is her pride and joy, and seven months later, she still loves to show it off to everyone- strangers in the street, other kids, family, the post man. She lavishes love and attention on it, just like she sees M do with his car. She washes it and polishes it, and sometimes lies under it with a stick, pretending to fix it. She puts it away and parks it carefully, making sure it can't roll away. She loves to show it off, and will make sure you notice every detail- the streamers on her handle bars, the butterflies on her seat, the purple basket, the pink frame.

the little house that was.

this girl

in with the cows.

1. Looking down from the road to our campsite. It looks really crowded, but it wasn't. Everyone tended to set up camp by the river, but we set up camp a bit up stream. It was lovely.

2. N's camp, right next to ours. I rather liked it. A swag under a tarp, stretched over a frame on the back of his ute. N also had a bar that hooked onto the tray of his ute, providing a shelf. Simple, and so effective.

3. M and Willow setting up our tent. Note the cows in the back ground. On the surface it sounds like trouble- a field full of campers, their dogs, children and cows, but in reality it was really nice. Everyone really enjoyed watching the cows getting herded by the working dogs at the end of the day, and Willow wanted to pat the cows. 

4. Hills.

5. Cow. One morning one stood really near our tent and kept mooing at M as he cooked breakfast. (Perhaps making sure it wasn't a friend M was cooking up?) Willow kept asking what that noise was, and insisted it couldn't be a cow because cows go moo, and this sound? It was more like a mmm-nnnnnergh-oh.

6. Willow and Josh. Willow and Josh became very good friends. Also, that's an old fire pit. They got very grubby.

7. Down by the riverside.

8. "Hey, do you want to come into my tent? I have lots of toys to play with!" Willow asked, while we cracked up at their faux romance. They also (very briefly) went AWOL for a few minutes, and were found half way up a barb wire gate, trying to get to the river together.

9. Climbing the really steep hill with Josh (and several adults) to watch the sunset.

10. Willow and Z. First Josh, then Willow, got to slide down the hill with Z. Z was very good and sat with his legs out to protect the little ones... as a result, he ended up with thistles all down his leg. Both the kids loved whizzing down the hill. The next day, Josh and his twin brother, Matthew, were dead to Willow as she slavishly followed Z around.

11. On top of the world/ hill/ mountain.

12. Night time fun for the kiddies. They had all sorts of glowing things to play with, and the kids thought it was fantastic.

13. Sparkler fun.

14. Sitting by the fire.

15. N's dog, Diesel, decided to share our tent for the second night. Initially, he slept on a pile of our clothes, but after Willow went to bed and crawled into bed with her. For a small dog he had a lot of dignity.

16. The best thing about camping with several other parents is that there was always a billy of hot water on the fire, in case anyone needed to warm up a bottle. It's the little things.


Not pictured:
1. Josh's twin brother, Matt. Matt kissed Willow by the campfire one night, causing a collective "awww" from all the adults. Willow said she liked being kissed by Josh. Matt decided to do a wee before getting in the river, so his brother bolted out of the water to wee too, and Willow came running after him, shouting "I can wee standing up too!" I opened my mouth to find some excellent explainations for why Willow shouldn't wee standing up with the boys, but Then Josh started to get wee on his shirt, so I yelled at him to lift up his shirt, but he only seemed to hear "Lift it up" and so lifted up his pee tube and... I gave up.
2. If you've wondered what the fox says, it turns out Willow can mimic a fox surprisingly well.
3. Thanks to M, everyone is now familiar with the time Willow drew a creepy face and was all "I drew a picture of the face in the window!"
4. It was so cold. M warned me it might be "a little chilly, so bring a jacket for Willow." But, oh my god, it was much colder than that. Like, "so cold steam was rising off our pee early in the morning." Willow was ok, because she was tucked up between M and myself, and she had extra blankets piled onto her.
5. The people. Oh the people were lovely. So friendly and generous and good. It was just so fantastic to have that real sense of security and community around the children- knowing that if Willow wasn't with me, there was another adult or two keeping an eye on her.

straight.

I did this little drawing up to demonstrate one of the joys of cycling with three years olds- that, while they're very good at following what you're doing, they're really not very good at following instructions.
"Go straight," I say, as we cycle up to an intersection. I need to stop to adjust my parcel. Willow veers left. I ask her where she's going, and she swings around and starts going to the right. It's not till I peddle ahead that she heads in the right direction.

The weirdest part is, sit her down in the living room, and she'll tell you which is her left and right, no problems at all.

We are....

M is...
... spending lots of money on the new car. He also wants to purchase me a new bike that I've been sighing over, since it's so much better than my current Big W cheapie.
... Rather taken by his padded bike pants that look like normal pants. I've tried them on too, and it's like sitting on a cloud.

I am...
... regretting getting a cheap bike from Big W. They are not very good. However, my logic at the time was "Well, let's get this cheap bike and see if we will actually use it, yeah?"
... Hoping to save up enough money for this swim suit. Or maybe the red one. I have the red one piece, which is lovely, but it's a bit tight in the vertical region since I'm tall. Plus, I've lost a bit of weight- about two pants sizes, and I think one size up top. I know dresses that were snug on me last year are now very loose across the rib cage, and pants are far too loose for even a belt to hold them up. My weight loss secret is this: Throw out everything that's too small for you and have no money to buy smaller clothes.
... Regretting the purchase of my slow cooker. We used it a lot last winter, but then my parents gave me a dish so I could microwave my rice, and I started purchasing cast iron, which made it obsolete. Sigh. If only the money from that could have been spent on a swim suit instead.
... I scrounged a whole lot of copper from the house being demolished next door. Hey, well, copper is valuable. That's $30 towards my swimsuit fund. Or $30 towards "flying back from Darwin" fund.

Willow is...
... not taking me very seriously. She does, however, take M very seriously and does exactly what he tells her to do, the first time.
... practically worshiping the ground M walks on. I'm just that boring witch she sees every single day, I suspect.
... asking every evening what the plans are for the next day. She likes it when playmates come over, or when we go to the park or library.
... baby obsessed. She also really, really believes in a very literal circle of life- she promises me that when she's grown up, and I'm a little baby, she will take care of me. She believes that all adults will eventually become babies when she's a grown up.
... very pleased with her new nail polish. She selected a pink glittery one and a lime green one. Ever since her nails were painted, she's refused to help me in the garden for fear of damaging her nails.
... keen on my banana-lime- coconut pancakes. She frequently requests them.
... Also keen these beetroot burgers. I don't know if it's the pretty colour, or the natural sweetness of beets, or the fact that I truthfully tell her that there's cheese in there (I grate haloumi instead of sheep's feta) but she is quite fond of these. Also, they freeze very well.
... Avocado. This girl loves avocado.
... waking up waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too early. Hey, summer sunshine. I haven't missed you.
... allergic to flea bites. My neighbor has two cats, and after visiting there twice, she's coming home and started screaming and wailing that she itches. Another neighbor has two cats, four or five dogs, two rainbow lorikeets and about two dozen chickens... Never had any sort of flea problem.

the new car.

One night the police knocked on my door because a crazy man with a gun was chasing my neighbor around the street, and they were wondering if I happened to get a good look at a certain car parked right in front of my window. I drew a complete blank. White, oldish, rounded corners, smallish?
"How old? Was it built within the last 10 years?" the police man patiently asked.
I have no clue. It wasn't shiny and new. But the make and model and car number plates? Complete blank.

There are many things I care about the minute differences in. For example, I'll happy analyse the different breads and pastas for sale to insure we purchase the one with the most whole grains that the's best value for money. I've planted 6 different types of basil, several different types of beans, 8 different types of tomatoes and three different colours of beetroot. I care about diversity and minute differences and the importance of choice- I just find it really hard to care about the car that I get driven around in. They all get me from A to B in air conditioned comfort.

I honestly couldn't tell you anything more about M's new car other than it's a Nissan, and it's silver. Oh, and it has a tray thing in the back, like a ute, except there are back seats. I couldn't tell you anything about the previous car, expect that it was a red Holden. But Willow?  She can actually identify cars with a similar make to whatever M has, and point out the differences. She actually enjoyed walking around the car yard, hoping to pick out a car. She nearly cried when she thought we were leaving without a new car. I just want a new car! I'm so sad to leave without one, she wailed.

Today, a friend asked Willow what she thought of the new car.
It's perfect, she breathed, delighted and content. Just perfect. 

Willow has really embraced this car thing.

mermaids and sailors.

(photographed while on a very rare, Willow free lunch with M and his friend.)

Did someone say beach weather? Yessssssss. The beach is only an hour away, but I can't wait for the school holidays to be over so we can get some parking and spend a day at the beach. Willow is obsessed with the beach and water in general. That girl has been known to sleep with her swimmers "because I love it." Over winter Willow we've filled Willow's water love by taking her to heated pool a few towns over. This year, I hope to get Willow into swimming lessons, except she has such nasty ear infections if we're not careful. And I dread those, really I do, because even if I'm not careful with washing her hair, this happens:

Sleeping in emergency. Not the best look.

I gave Willow a bath, so I could wash her hair, and she complained water was in her ear despite me being careful. I promised to dry it out when she got out, but then we were playing baby birds and Mark's parents were arriving the next day, and... I forgot. The next night, she woke up around 1am crying that her ear hurt. She refused to eat or drink anything, including lollies. By 8am, I called a taxi to take us to emergency. Despite wearing a jacket and being wrapped in a blanket, she kept crying she was cold. Then she vomited all over us. Eventually she was so exhausted she fell asleep in a chair, which is when I took that photo. It's not a very good photo of her, but don't worry. I got her medicine, took her home, and she slept all day. She woke up in the afternoon and was much better. See? 

Willow spent the afternoon curled up in a chair, under a blanket, with her loyal Foxy, who had followed her to ED and home again. (Excuse all the camping supplies piled up in the background.) 

So, I know there are ways to stop water getting in kids ears... I know there are earplugs and swimming caps and goggles... I know I can dry her ears out afterwards. But... I don't drive because I'm so scared ONE MISTAKE will end badly for myself or someone else. So, selfishly, she hasn't had any swimming lessons because I'm scared I'll screw up and her ear drum will explode or something. 

But anyways. Despite my recent screw up... we're going ahead with lessons anyway. Even if they scare me. The kids at childcare keep asking me why I ride a bike instead of a car, and I swear I can see the judgement in their 3-5 year old eyes when I'm all "It's good for the environment... and also, I'm scared of cars." I've conquered some little fears and aversions... like cooking fish from raw, making hollandaise sauce from scratch, and cooking new foods. (Still working on zucchini. I don't know why, but I just can't bring myself to deal with it.)

(In case you're wondering about the hair washing... we don't wash Willow's hair much because, well, we don't need to. I'm not being a dirty hippie or lazy or a coward with washing Willow's hair, but it's only teenagers and adults who have stinky bacteria lurking on our body, and crazy sebaceous glands. Babies don't need baby wash. We do shower her every day, and make sure she washes herself properly. Aside from "down there" (I can definitely tell if she's wore a pair of underwear!) (No, I'm not saying she smells strongly down there or anything...) Willow doesn't have much of a smell. If you open up a pack of bird seeds, that's exactly what her natural scent is. Warm and cosy and sweet.)

Willow's hair? It doesn't smell, it doesn't get greasy. It does, however, get rather gritty thanks to childcare. I haven't even used shampoo on her at all this year, I just use conditioner.)